Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
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How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
🍞🦆
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
“What?”
– Jude
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”