a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
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COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
a public service announcement
A death metal song about an Excel spreadsheet not doing what I want.
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
I bought a bug zapper fly swat.
So now I look like a madwoman swinging around a small tennis racket, shocking anyone who dares step in my way.
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
First Date:
Him: So, are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: (already cleaning him with my tongue)
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…