“Sheer Arrogance”
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I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”