Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
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What, tough guy? Come try taking that picture over here, why don’t ya?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
that moment when your spouse asks if you’re listening and yes is not the right answer but no is also not the right answer
I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
The Shawshank Redemption but it’s just me tunneling from my office to the break room so I don’t have to talk to my boss.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there