There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
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Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.
Little does she know, her father is the prank master
Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?