*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My cat: *standing on my chest to block my computer screen, pressing his nose to mine & staring deeply into my eyes*
Me: Well. Hi.
My cat: You’re very clingy.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.