*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
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Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I’d rather go liquor treating.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
if aliens came to earth and found out that there was a department called ‘human resources’ in every single business they’d be like “oh crap there are other aliens here already” and i think that is very smart of us
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.