*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
You Might Also Like
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
I forgot how to panic. Help
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
Me: awww what’s your dog’s name?
Neighbor: Spartacus.
Me: [yells to Wife] TRY SPARTACUS!
Wife: [at computer] DIDN’T WORK!
Neighbor:
Me: what’s your favorite number?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
Take your age, multiply it by 3, divide that number by 3. That’s how old you are.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.