*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
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Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
[a robber breaks into my house]
me, to my dog: sic him, boy, sic him
my dog: [coughs into his paw, wipes it on the robber’s face, and then looks at me for approval]
me: not… [rubbing my temples] not like that tho
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.