I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
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GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I’m so glad I had a kid so instead of relaxing in the bath, I can have someone explain Minecraft to me in painful detail.
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Women are like passwords. You enter your digits incorrectly a few times and they’ll lock you out.
Blew out my flip flop…
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
nasa employee: oh hey u guys are back early
astronaut: moon’s haunted
nasa employee: what?
astronaut: *loading a pistol and getting back on the rocket-ship* moon’s haunted
4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled
I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!
(There is no school this week)
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
The devil.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.