So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
You Might Also Like
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
I get it garden box. If someone massaged me, gave me the best nutrients, plenty of water & let me rest in the sun, I would be capable of producing amazing things, too
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Boss: we’re going to our cabin on the lake this weekend
Coworker: you guys have a cabin ON the lake?
Boss: Ya?
Coworker: must be wet hahaha
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
Me: can I get a Coke please
Waiter: we only serve Pepsi here
Me: how about a lemonade then
Waiter: sir… we only serve Pepsi here
[cut to guy at the next table eating a plate of Pepsi]
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.