Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
HR says I’m not allowed to build an electric fence around my desk for days I have to go into the office .
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
not a total stranger telling me I’d “better find a man before all the good ones are gone,” on the same day Twitter announces a potential dating app. not today, satan
cats when you pet them too long:
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg