Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
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narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
KFC suspends iconic ‘finger lickin’ good’ slogan amid coronavirus fears
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
Waiter: and for you?
Me: *after rehearsing in my head for 15 minutes* the chimney changas
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.
Penguins walking in 5x speed
Sometimes I want to be really rich but I also know I’d buy a beluga whale as a pet and get in the bad habit of hiring hit men too often so maybe it’s better.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!