SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
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One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag