Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Saturday
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
When I call back Domino’s a second time to let them know it’s been over an hour and my pizza still hasn’t been delivered.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Good slumber party questions:
– What’s the furthest underground you’ve ever eaten a burger
– How many necks have you touched
– What’s pesto
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
How to properly lift a body
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?