@OhNoSheTwitnt: Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
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@senderblock23: [someone reading a beautiful poem in german] ME: i have never been more frightened
@TheEighthKnight: Making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car, instead
@ThRealBallsDeep: <at first day of t-ball practice> Me:What's the first rule here, boys? Kid:Don't poop your pants? M:I was gonna say "have fun" but...OK.
@SamTR7: I just got an email offering "free bible verses". You know, because who can afford bible verses?