Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
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Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
What kind of car did the electrician drive? A volts-wagon
My child saw my high school senior picture and practically screeched “MOM WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME YOU WERE PRETTY??!!” so you guys just go ahead without me
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Glass caskets: will they become popular?
Remains to be seen.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
*at the gym*
Trainor: Have a donut.
Me: Wow! Sure!
T: Here’s some pizza.
M: What kind of trainer are you?
T: I’m a Megan Trainor.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
Any wife can be a trophy wife if you bring her to a Taxidermist.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again