[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
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Them: if you want to lose weight then make sure that you drink plenty of water
Me: so that I spend my whole day peeing and missing out on tasty food?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
Pet Cemetery 3:
People get tired of resurrecting pets and relatives.
Somebody buries dinosaur bones.
Jurassic Park ensues.
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming