Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
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DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Computers are quite simple to explain. You see, they are just like the body. Let’s start with the processor- that’s the brain. The RAM, this I guess is also the brain. Now the hard drive, this too is the brain. The video card is more brain. Ok. I hope this has been helpful.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
Teacher: You’re gonna need this in 20 years, so pay attention.
Me: Why not teach us something practical like how to balance our checkbook or do our taxes?
Teacher: Listen, if you don’t come across someone buying 30 watermelons at the supermarket, I will be flabbergasted.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
translated into Canadian
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?