@jaggings: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you're asleep
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@MoneypennyNaked: I really need someone to follow me around Target to say "No. No. Put that back. You don't need that. You already have 4 of those at home."
@IRLPepperMD: *talking to mailman* So are you like, made of mail? *mailman laughs* "sure, kid" So that must mean.. *fireman & garbageman walk by* Holy shi
@weinerdog4life: When I'm in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I'm having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
@PS_IRuddYou: This girl text me: "your adorable I text back: no YOU'RE adorable Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo...