@jaggings: Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does whatever a spider can / super speed, giant leap / crawls in your mouth when you're asleep
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@jakefromstfarm3: If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
@007Rex_Inc: Niece: I like math M: 5 X 1? N: 5 M: *takes out phone* right N:You're using your phone? M: I got a text N: I didnt hear a sound *runs away*
@TheresNoGodzila: Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs Me: They're golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
@david8hughes: [board meeting] "So Mr Parachute do you have a name for your invention?" "I call it the 'Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower'." "No."