Sometimes I feel like people on Facebook share things as a way of saying “Here’s this horrible story I saw today. I hope it makes you feel like shit also.”
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My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
I don’t share cheese on the first date.
Review of Black Holes: Zero Stars
“Did anyone else’s house get burglarized and have horrible music put on all their devices……….oh U2?”
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”
@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus: