There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
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CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I’m literally crying
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.