Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
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When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
*pretty girl walks by and doesn’t make eye contact*
She must be intimidated that I manage a fantasy football team that is 8-1
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
Once my wife accidentally put in the wrong gate code to get into my parents neighborhood. The guy who answered was extremely rude and made both her and my daughter cry. I now purposely put in his code every time I visit just to make his phone ring.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.