Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
[family thanksgiving in 2020]
HER: hey the turkey is still frozen
ME: everyone else says it’s fine mom try logging out and back in
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: nice!
God: the humans are gonna love you.
Dog: why?
God: well you have a lot in common.
Dog: really? do they have updog too?
God: what’s updog?
Dog: nothing what’s up with you lol.
God: yep you’re just like them.
Dog: [tail wag].
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?