[Spider sits at computer and Googles probability of being eaten by human in his lifetime] Holy shit Sharon, COME SEE THIS
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Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Him: Favorite workout? Me: Pilates. Him: Why? Me: Because we lay down for an hour.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Me: It’s easy. Just like a walk in the park.
Her: So, all the while, I’ll be dodging protestors, the homeless, and muggers?
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
My neighbours claim to be huge Disney fans but called the cops when I mowed the lawn Winnie the Pooh style