spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Still cracks me up
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you