spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
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I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated
AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
“Ladies, calm down. Girlfriend, wife, whatever. The important thing is that between the 2 of you, you brought enough to post my bail”
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere