Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
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As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Accidentally called my therapist mom again. He was not pleased.
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
When fighting with a clown, always go for the juggler.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.