[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Alec Baldwin always sounds like he’s trying to have an intense conversation in a public library.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.