[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
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when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
Passwords are more important than ever.
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.