Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
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Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
Touch it gently, put 2 fingers
inside, if it’s wide use 3
fingers,make sure it’s wet and
rub up and down. Yep that’s how
you wash a cup.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.
Wednesday
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]