Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
Hey…that’s not the wallet inspector
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Last night at dinner my 6 year-old asked me what the most dangerous shark was and I said ‘The Loan Shark’ so naturally I received an email from his teacher this morning.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.
me: thanks!
server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯