My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
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Me irl
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
Welcome to your 40s, your gum’s flavor outlasts your chewing stamina now.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
The Birdles
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
These aliens are taking forever.