Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
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Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Stop sending me this shit.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
#rubbishjokes
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?None – it’s a hardware problem.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
Friend: Can I borrow a hair band?
Me: *retrieving Bon Jovi from the basement* Please have them home by 9.
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Whoever has my voodoo doll, please pull it’s hand out of its pants.
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice