Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
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Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*
spider: yeah that way’s fine too
Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
Knock Knock
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.