Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
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My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
“Je t’aime” = “I love you”
“Je t’anime” = “I love anime”
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise