Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
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if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.