Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
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Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Forty-three-year-old bodies be like you didn’t workout yesterday and now you’ve gained 35 pounds.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
*pronounces injury like lingerie*
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.