Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
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In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
12: dad my friend wants to know if I can spend the ni-
me: YES what time can I drop you off? Now? Is now good?
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”