“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
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I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.