[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
*skinny dips into black hole
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
No chill.
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.