[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
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I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
Support your local cemetery
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
toothpaste is a big scam. if ur tooth falls out, it stays out. toothpaste Will Not paste it back in.
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?