[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
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Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”
And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.
The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
It’s been a horrible morning so far. My ex got run over by a bus, and I lost my job as a bus driver 🙁
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
Not even remotely sorry.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.