[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
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GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
This might not be true but we have house centipedes so I was looking up how to get rid of them and ppl were like don’t, they’re apex predators so they’ll eat all the other bugs, then the other centipedes and eventually you’ll be left with just one extremely powerful centipede
just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
an airline just for babies.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
I call my smoke detector Gordon Ramsay because every time I cook it screams at me
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My son couldn’t find his shoes, so I told him that I hid his allowance in them and it’s amazing how fast he found them.
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?