Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?