Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
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I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.