Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
You Might Also Like
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[restaurant]
*patpatpat*
ME: you hear that?
*patpatPATPAT*
DATE: what the
[penguin bolts out of kitchen with a fish]
CHEF: SOMEBODY STOP HIM
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*