[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
I have two kinds of followers
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way