*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
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Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
What personal space?
My dog
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.