[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
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Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…