spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
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*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
[Being murdered]
Me: You’re stabbing wrong
Murderer:
Me: Keep your wrist in a neutral posture, let the knife do the work
[Stabbing intensifies, but ergonomically]
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
This is my cat’s medicine.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.