*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
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The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.
Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
the last thing a carrot sees
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.