[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
You Might Also Like
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks
Reverse cowgirl because first dates are awkward.
Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.